Sunday, April 15, 2007

Ask the Romance Guy!

Ron Garrity is the nationally-syndicated columnist "The Romance Guy," and his work has been translated into thirty different languages. He is the author of four books, the latest of which, "Getting the Most Out of Your Marriage," has just been released in softcover.

Dear Romance Guy,

A touchy situation has arisen in my sexual relationship with my husband -- he has expressed an interest in anal sex, and I have no interest whatsoever. I told him that I experimented with it once in college, and found it to be an unpleasant experience I didn't ever want to go through again. I love my husband (we just celebrated our eight-year anniversary) and will do just about anything to make him happy, but I can't do this. How can I put the issue to rest for good?

No Poke in Polk City, Iowa

Dear Poke,

When one partner expresses interest in a sex act that the other can't fulfill, feelings are invariably going to get hurt. You obviously love your husband and care for his needs, and you're going to want to express that sentiment in the pending conversation. But, you have to take a firm line about what kinds of sex acts you feel comfortable participating in. Hopefully, your husband will see that your needs are important as well, and he will understand that this is a topic that's been taken off the table, in the most caring, direct way that each of you can express to one another.

* * * * *

Dear Romance Guy,

My wife isn't interested in anal sex, and I feel like it could add some much-needed spice to an eight-year-old relationship that could use a little invigoration. She seems very cold and unreceptive to the idea, so I don't know how to express to her my desire to do something new. How can I approach her so that she'll listen to me?

New Poke in Polk City, Iowa

Dear New Poke,

My advice to you is to find an internet pharmacist, preferably one in Mexico or central America, and find a heady dose of gamma-hydroxybutyrate and chloral hydrate for a reasonable price. If possible, drive across the border to procure some so you better know the dealer and purity. Then, what you want to do is insinuate a large portion of the drug into her food or beverage saving some for incremental re-dosing later on. The best way to mask the taste of the chloral hydrate is with a stew of root vegetables, so take that into mind when preparing the meal. The effects of the drug will take hold within ten minutes (give-or-take for her body mass), rendering her in a pliable state akin to the so-called "Twilight Sleep" your dentist offers you. At this stage, the mind is unable to process what is happening as it enters a dissociative state where memory is not recorded. You now have your window of opportunity, so enjoy!

("The Romance Guy" appears every Thursday in this space... should the charges filed by 12 separate State Attorneys-General be successfully defended in court.)