Monday, May 28, 2007


Charles Nelson Reilly is gone, a vibrant character who we haven't seen nearly enough of in recent years, beyond his most interesting turn on the "X-Files" as Jose Chung (look up "Jose Chung's 'From Outer Space' " if you don't know what I'm talking about).

It seems the only appropriate thing to do is show the man at the peak of his skill on "Match Game":

Saturday, May 26, 2007

Friday, May 25, 2007

Kill it

From the "crackers killing shit with revolvers" file, we have this story of an 11-year-old boy in Alabama who was engaged in a hunt with his dad and some uncles when he happened upon a 1,051 pound, 9 foot 4 wild hog.

And what to do when you discover an anomaly of nature, a wonderful quirk of genes and environment, such as this? Kill it, of course. A lot:

"It feels really good," Jamison said in a telephone interview with The Associated Press. "It's a good accomplishment. I probably won't ever kill anything else that big." Jamison, who killed his first deer at age 5, was hunting with father Mike Stone and two guides in east Alabama on May 3 when he bagged Monster Pig. He said he shot the huge animal eight times with a .50-caliber revolver and chased it for three hours through hilly woods before finishing it off with a point-blank shot.

Gee, sounds like a good clean hunt, eh? All you have to do is pick away at the creature with a hand cannon for hours until the thing bleeds to death on your shoes.

Good work, kid. I think I just saw something moving out of the corner of my eye. Was that a walking shark? Or, maybe it was an old lady. You should unload a whole magazine out in its belly just to make sure.

Can you believe it?

Sweet, huh?!

Wednesday, May 23, 2007


Hi! I'm Maximillian, the psycho mute robot from Disney's not-so-successful 1979 space opus, "The Black Hole," and I'm running for president!

This promises to be a long, drawn-out affair, so I'm appealing to you, the ardent supporters, for your help in spreading the word. Your volunteer efforts and your tax-deductible donations will mean the world to my campaign. Once we get the message out to our base -- the hard-working Americans who make this country great -- that a cold, steel talon-tipped homicidal death machine is running for the highest office in the land, then job will be to win over swing voters... hearts and minds, and all that. And once that crucial group, the so-called "undecideds", are on board with voting for an emotionless, crimson instrument of harm, then we'll have the momentum to overturn the traditional party politics and actually change things in Washington!

My opponents have already started slinging mud in this early campaign -- they spread lies about me having hacked Anthony Perkins' insides to pulp with my spinning handblades, and that I intended malice towards the human and robot crew of the Palomino, including VINC.E.N.T. and Ernest Borgnine. Well, to those detractors, I heartily say... actually, those stories are true. I killed Perkins at the behest of my master, Dr. Hans Reinhardt, and I daresay I would puree any of those that the master said was a threat to our experiments aboard the Cygnus.

So, I ask, my fellow Americans, if you are looking for a change from the "business as usual" politics of Washington and its swelling bureaucracy and partisan gridlock, there is only one name you need to remember come November 11, 2008 -- Maximillian, the relentless killing automaton! Let's send a message to the Senate, and the American people, that only together can we successfully dismember interfering scientist-explorers down to a viscous slurry with our razor-sharp arm-rotors.

Let's make a difference! Maximillian in 2008!

Monday, May 21, 2007

Cultural anthropologist

It's time for our favorite game, "What's in a Coworker's Drawer?" Our contestant this week is Tom, a dude who works in the office a few cubicles over from me. Tom is that guy who is very gracious with his stash of chewing gum, because a three-martini lunch capped off by a pair of highballs can give your mouth a certain stink you need to conceal. Luckily enough, you have Tom's drawer to assist. But, let's go further...

How can you not be fascinated by someone's desk drawer? It has to be a reflection of his or her character, right? All the objects contained therein must betray the life of the stasher. What does this area tell us?

Well, for one, this might be the last sample of "Extra" chewing gum left on planet Earth. Somewhere between bits of "JuicyFruit" encased in amber and a stick of that vile, pink gum that used to come packed in trading cards falls this cultural artifact. Surely as flavorful and texturally lush as the eucharest, "Extra" delivers chewing pleasure for minutes on end. Adjacent to it is the bandolier of Wrigley's Spearmint, the very gum we were looking for in the first place, so we shant say a bad word about it.

Another thing makes itself painfully apparent -- the last known cassette walkman in existence outside of Almaty, Kazakhstan. Convenient that the batteries are near it, just in case someone wants to break out that cassette single of Journey's "Lovin', Touchin', Squeezin" we all keep in our desks and give it a good rocking. I thought that technology this outmoded had a self-meltdown code written into it, like Ethan Hunt's weekly message. I guess the walkman's drive to live on and play Will2Power's "I'm Not In Love" shall keep it alive many more years into the future.

The hairbrush is also a nice touch -- not quite a comb, not quite a bristle-haired brush, but rather the stiffest, most uncomfortable thing you could rake across your scalp. Moving on...

And here we have a "travel-size" Vapo-Rub, the sweet nectar of the sternum area that alerts all around to the fact that you have both a sinusoidal infection AND a clever new solution in the cologne department. I can't for the life of me come up with a good reason why Axe Body Spray hasn't tried to emulate the ’Rub. Chick magnet. Or, more fittingly, pharmacist magnet.

We don't speak ill of our fellow man, but rather, we appreciate all that they do for us. Also, I'd be so busted if someone cracked my drawer open and found the 20 oz. bottle of J.W. Red I keep in there for cold nights. In the summer. I should watch for coworkers bearing cameras... sneaky little fucks.

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

Middle Eastern Mouse!

ALLAHU AKBAR! Hello boys and girls, I am Farfur! I am the mouse icon of humble purity in the eyes of God! ALLAHU AKBAR! I have come to show you wonderful little children the golden path to God, in God's eyes, by God, the one God for whom the blashphemers and Jews shall be crushed! Yay!

Now, I know some of your parents expressed some misgivings over the "controversy" stirred up a little while ago over my former show on Al-Aqsa TV in the Occupied Territories. Well, I'm proud to say that we've changed networks to Allah's Martyrs Brigade Public Broadcasting Service, and all of that controversy is now over. God is great, and God shall destroy the ones who contributed to our low time-slot shares and overall poor ratings. ALLAHU AKBAR! And, Allah, we could use a higher ad revenue rate this upcoming season. I mean, there really aren't a whole lot of TV's in Gaza tuned to us at this time of night, mostly because there aren't a lot of TV sets left... or electricity... or houses... or viewers.

So, kids, what does Farfur the faithful mouse servant of most holy God who protects the strong and repels the Jew from his land have in store for today's episode? Fun and games! Now, since fun and games are strictly forbidden by God's word, we shall have to make do with what we have in front of us. Gather round and watch me play this board game, "Chutes and Ladders and Jews." Watch as the Jew puts a ladder up on the crib-room of a sleeping faithful Muslim infant and drinks its blood, remaining only long enough to scoop up whatever valuables that Jew may sell to its Zionist cohorts in the United States of America in exchange for rockets and bombs. Watch as God uses the chute to strike the Jew down. ALLAHU AKBAR!

OK then, that's quite enough fun... it's time for learning now. Our last lesson ended just as we got to the part where the American Jew president Ronald Reagan bombed the marine barracks in Lebanon to retain the favor of Zionist co-conspirator Great Britain and its hawk-beaked harpy Jew leader Margaret Thatcher. As we know, after that Ronald Reagan created the movie of "Rambo" with American Jew actor Stallone and put it in our heads that American force will shoot us all with a heavy gun while sweating a lot through a thin shirt. The faithful martyrs of the one God answered this call by striking the World Trade Center back in 1993 in an act of self-defense. ALLAHU AKBAR!

Alright, now the history is over. Time for arts and crafts as we go to commercial. All the faithful children, the strong, you will now play with the pieces of a Kalishnikov rifle and see just how fast you can reassemble it while beating whipped with metal cables. And when we come back after the break, there will be heavy stones cast at the whore who read that book last month. Stick around, we'll have more "Farfur" show right after these messages from our sponsor, Taco Bell!

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

Think globally...

How am I going to change the world? Easy -- one person at a time. I plan on starting with Thomas Jane.

Fossil fuels are contributing to catastrophic buildup of greenhouse gases in the atmosphere, causing heat to be trapped! Society and industry must come together to find a solution to this problem before global warming alters the temperature profile of the planet. What kind of steps can we take to ensure that this happens? Make sure that Tom Jane is comfortable. Get the guy something to drink. Maybe he's thirsty.

A spate of shocking violence has struck our culture -- gun violence, rooted deep in the fears of the American psyche. As many people want to see firearms restricted as have them remain uncurbed, and while people squabble, nothing is getting done. How can you soothe a terrified nation and come to a reasonable compromise? Ask Tom Jane if he's satisfied with his mobile phone carrier. I can only wonder whether he goes through his minutes all upfront in the month, or if he has a friends and family circle that gives him a break. Plus, does Tom Jane pay a dime for each text message?

What about Thomas Jane's feelings on Darfur? Or about the war in Iraq? Or what about North Korea's nuclear capabilities? Maybe he has something to say about the woeful state of our public schools? I don't know myself, I'm just asking Thomas Jane.

Why did he take "Deep Blue Sea"? That movie sucked, but admittedly, he was the best thing about it. Does he buy his groceries himself, or do he and Patricia Arquette have a staff to take care of things like that? Will he let his children believe in Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny? I'm sure that he must have an opinion on "30 Rock". I bet Thomas Jane watches "30 Rock" every Thursday, or at least he TiVos it. I don't think he smokes, but maybe he once did.

He's definitely not Ed Asner. I would bet that he owned a bicycle as a child, and that he still might ride one today. Perhaps, Thomas Jane and I could hang out like buddies who haven't seen each other in a long while and catch up on old business -- sports scores and the like. We could grab some steaks and reminisce about his varied career, and some of the dope roles he's snagged. Then we could even discuss how there's only room in Hollywood for EITHER him or Aaron Eckhart.

Please call me back, Tom. I mean, I know I never called you, but maybe you can initiate and call me? I think we could be good friends. More likely, you would be repulsed at the elaborate fantasy life I've constructed for us and our non-existent friendship. And that would be alright, really. I know I'm a monster. Who goes through the cast of "The Sweetest Thing" looking for someone to complete the painful, dark chasms in their personal life, anyway?

Please don't go, Tom.