Monday, August 27, 2007

It's NYU move-in day!

OMG! I can't believe summer is, like, OVER ALREADY! OMG!!11! So here I am, walking on the sidewalk of a NEW YORK STREET finally, since I first dreamed about it like 5!! years ago!! I SO WANTED to go to school in NEW YORK, OMG, and I made it my first application, after MSU, UT, Carolina, Sarah Lawrence, Berkeley... and, oh yeah, Tallahassee Junior College! OMG, and I totally GOT IN! On the first try! W00T!

My essay totally helped, because it was about the poor body image stereotypes TOTALLY projected by THE HILLS on MTV, and not only because it's like my favorite show (guilty pleasure you guys!) but because I REALLY, really, believe cutting is BAD!!1! I had a fat friend in seventh grade named Meghan and she was fat and a cutter, and she totally moved away from school because she kept getting PICKED ON by some other BITCHES at school. She was pretty boring, and it was probably a good thing that she moved because no one really EVEN LIKED her. So I P/M wrote the same assignment the school guidance counselors made the FIVE OF US all write in detention for a week. It's not like we were even the ONLY ONES to tease that fat cow, and it was TOTALLY Jenna's fault anyway.

So, OMG!!1 Here I am! The first thing I WANT TO TOTALLY DO is go get some New York pizza from S'BARROS you guys. I even think I saw a black man over there, and he KIND OF looked like SEAN KINGSTON (OMG) but it looked like he was in sandals, you guys! Totally GROSS and I was creeped out by the way he kept looking at MY MOM! The career counselors said I should BE CAREFUL about PEOPLE in New York (especially PUERTO RICANS! OMG it's so racist of me to say BUT IT'S true!!), and not talk to anyone. I'm so glad to see that girl over there with the same jeweled FLIP-FLOPS as I have that I got from ABERCROMBIE back home. OMG!! I wonder where SHE'S GOING TO LIVE! OMG, this is so exciting! I'm so glad dad gave me a CREDIT CARD while I'm here! I don't know how I'd be able to buy those SEVEN FOR ALL MANKIND jeans I need, totes.

But OMG, you GUYS, I'm TOTALLY gonna miss you!! For SEERS! You guys! I'm going to MISS you, Lizzie, and Madison, and Nevaeh, and Nina, and Mary-lynn, and Alexandra, and Hunter, and Skylar, and and Karoline, and Kelleeieeiie, and Stepheniee, and Luxor, and Dendur, and you too, Hrothgar, and Balleen, and Encephalopod, and Tranquilizer, and Metastasis, and Calypso, and Ion, and Valtrex, and Hu Jintao, and ALSO TOTALLY you, Donald SUTHERLAND! W00T W00T! OMG!!11!1!

I'll never forget you guys, not even in 3 weeks when I'm into giving a COERCED, THANKLESS handjob to some drunk guy with acne from Palatine, Illnois, who's wearing an eyeshade in the back of a dorm laundry room! OMG!! I'm going to have SUCH MEMORIES, these are TOTALLY the best years of my life! I'm totally going to go CLAIRE DANES on this place! Watch out Empire State Building and Mayor Giuliani!

Saturday, August 25, 2007

Civic responsibility

And what a burden it is -- reporting to 111 Centre Street to decide someone's fate under the best of circumstances. I know I do my best jurisprudential contemplation at 8:45 a.m. on a Wednesday in Chinatown.

Can't think of a better time to whiz someone's fate as a free man in front of me to see how I feel about it. It's not like I'm missing a key day at work or anything. I'd send Mr. McFeeley to the gas chamber if it would get my ass out to lunch quicker -- fuck your voir dire.

When you have a wood-paneled room (circa 1978, as my Carbon dating revealed) full of restive people all reading that new Stephenie Meyer vampire book itching to get to a face full of dim sum post-haste, I can't imagine for the life of me why life in HBO's "Oz" penitentiary wasn't more of a wacky, laugh-filled, everyone-learns-something romp.

By three p.m., I was begging for Comet Kahoutek to slam into the Earth's crust at my locus and call an adjournment to all court proceedings for the day. And I wasn't even picked! I just sat in the jury room ALL DAY surfing for German scheisse-videos on my iPhone.

I fear for Mumia Abu-Jamal if he finds himself in the defendant's box across from my weary, Henry Fonda-pretending ass. If they can seat a party of two at Doyer's House of Vietnamese in the next 15 minutes, then it's off to the needle, sucker! I gots a date with a shrimp summer roll and pork-over-cellophane noodle. Hah hah!

Take that finger-bang, Lady Justice. I just hope you look like Betty White under that blindfold, or I'm in big trouble.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

My fellow citizens...

For a long time, the citizens of this fair city have enjoyed a high standard of living envied by other metropolitan areas across the county. Our streets are safer, our roads smoother, our buildings higher, our students smarter, and our institutions more prestigious. As we all know, we owe these wonderful blessing to the fact that our city was, in fact, built with rock and roll.

It has been this way for the greater part of the century, but as we know, all great things cannot last forever. We stand on a great precipice, with the change of the future all but laid out in front of us. As your mayor, I have made the sole concern of my administration the diversification of our rock and roll-based infrastructure towards other more modern and sustainable materials.

My administration has been investigating options in ska, reggaeton, dancehall, trip-hop, acid house, tribal, bluegrass, and even Baile funk from Brazil. We know that one our sister cities has been built -- or, perhaps we should say, rebuilt -- with rap and spoken-word, and so far, so good for them.

I'd like to assure our populace that there is no danger of our rock and roll-based infrastructure degrading any time soon, and thereby becoming a hazard. We should merely aspire to be at the vanguard of all great societies when it comes to progress. As a cautionary tale, just look at what happened to Minneapolis' Interstate 35W bridge -- that project was built not with rock and roll, but instead with Leo Sayer. You can all plainly see what occurred there.

-His Honor, the Mayor

Sunday, August 05, 2007


That's how many people showed up for a bridge collapse memorial that killed five people. In other news, another HUNDRED OR SO IRAQIS WERE BLOWN TO FUCKING BITS and no one cared.

Thursday, August 02, 2007


Moments ago, in the men's room, where the pinhead CEO was talking to an unbalanced, lower-level employee:

ULLE: "In fuckin' Germany, they just piss on the walls. When I was there in 1979, they just have water flowing out the wall and a drain below, and you just piss on the wall. We were like, 'What the fuck?' "

PCEO: "I was in Germany from 1976 to ’77. I have a soft spot for the Germans."

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

Arrested development

Me and the wiffé went to see The Police's opener at Madison Square Garden on Wednesday night... and it was FUCKING AWESOME!

I wish I could have seen The Police back on the "Synchronicity" tour, but I was only nine. Zut alors... I get to make amends in 2007. They were in fantastic form, rocking the shit for two-plus hours; not bad for a bunch of old zillionaires. They hit all the highlights:

Message in a Bottle
Synchronicity II
Walking on the Moon
Voices Inside My Head/When The World Is Running Down
Don't Stand So Close To Me
Driven To Tears
The Truth Hits Everyone
Bed's Too Big Without You
Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic
Wrapped Around Your Finger
De Do Do Do, De Da Da Da
Invisible Sun
Can't Stand Losing You/Regatta de Blanc

Encore 1:
King Of Pain
So Lonely
Every Breath You Take

Encore 2:
Next To You

Strangely, there was also this tableau:

For some reason, a deaf person came to the concert. Isn't that like a decaptitation victim shopping at a haberdasher?

And on the way to getting some water, the local deli featured this dual caveat:

That's right -- no drink beer in the store, AND no outside food allowed to be eating here. Talk about an infringement of personal liberties... someone call FoxNews.

The night was perfect, but I would have substituted "Synchronicity I" and the kickass "Murder By Numbers" into the mix for "Driven to Tears" and "Walking in Your Footsteps." But no one asked.