The state of terror

Well, hello there, friend -- I'm Winston Churchill, former Prime Minister of the English Empire. It's been a while since we've talked, mostly on account of my being dead for over forty-five years. Nonetheless, let me get a glass of Johnnie Walker Red in my hand... and... aahh. Perfect. Just like the old days. When I still drew breath.

My countrymen, the Britons, have faced many a foe throughout the centuries. And, as I have always said, we shall fight on the seas and oceans, we shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength in the air, we shall defend our island, whatever the cost may be, we shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender.

But I have to say, that the fight looks pretty good so long as the bad guys are only lobbing burning Jeeps though sliding glass doors. For a minute there, we had a problem on our hands with the Irish. Nasty bit of business, that. Now a pack of sodding rotters from Bangalore are filling up Daimlers with petrol cans and forgetting to detonate them? This sorry lot makes those cabbage-mouthed Irish bastards look like Ghurkas in comparison. What's next -- water balloon assault?

Take it from Uncle Winnie -- I think we stand a good chance of seeing Trafalgar Square make it through this latest bit of international intrigue in one piece. The Gerries had their buzzbombs, and the Jutes had their berzerkers... we can handle a few irate rug merchants with subscriptions to "Popular Mechanics."

Pip pip, then.

Copier warning

Copier warning, originally uploaded by americancaesar.

I enjoy good intentions, really. But I enjoy mangled language even more.

If anyone wants to offer me absolvement, I stand willing to accept it humbly.

Today I am a man!

DSCN1853.JPG, originally uploaded by americancaesar.

Happy 13th birthday to me, Shmuley Ben Smuley, the dopest pink-shirt wearinest guy who has a cake in front of him.

Why do I have to gesture like that? It makes me look fat. Can I not go a minute without hamboning it up?

Coming this fall...

"The Walnuts"! A new spinoff from the Sopranos!

Real life finds... strange but true

Ohhh... I see ye have found me! Well hello there! I'm Seamus O'Rufus McGarnicle Bailey, the last living leprechaun on the green face of God's lovely earth! Since ye've spotted me, it looks like ye will be wantin' that famed pot o'gold they're always sayin' I'm totin' around.

And soon enough ye shall have it! But first, there are a few things we've got to go over to get this fine, fine pot of shiny coins! Thingie number one that this leprechaun must ask you is whether or not you like to eat corned beef sandwiches. Well, do ye? And how do you feel about eating one at a table across from a closet where a wee, supernatural Irishman shall be pleasurin' himself with a handful of Crest toothpaste? And what if, on that closet door, there was a poster of Christopher Atkins, he of "The Blue Lagoon" fame, with its eyes poked out for said wee masturbatin' viewer to peer out of?

What do ye mean, "I'm a freak?" Don't be hatin', player! It's not like I'm some kinda pervy little creep! Who's the bigger arsewipe anyway -- the little self-gratifyin' green man, or the greedy gobshite who hunts around for twee goblins so's that he can steal their gold?

What do ye think about this shank? That's right -- who's the big man now? How about I cut ye? Would ye like that? A little slice across the thigh -- leprechaun justice, we calls it. No rules in the moor and dale other that what we make! Not so smiley once ye've been stabbed! Wait until I get some of me hard, pipe-hitting leprechauns to work over the homes here with a blowtorch! Startin' to get dizzy, are ye? That'll be the steady trickle from the femoral artery. Yer field o' vision will start to get fuzzy in a minute, just before you hit the ground hard.

Remember this wee face, jagoff -- I'm after ye lucky charms now.