Real life finds... strange but true

Ohhh... I see ye have found me! Well hello there! I'm Seamus O'Rufus McGarnicle Bailey, the last living leprechaun on the green face of God's lovely earth! Since ye've spotted me, it looks like ye will be wantin' that famed pot o'gold they're always sayin' I'm totin' around.

And soon enough ye shall have it! But first, there are a few things we've got to go over to get this fine, fine pot of shiny coins! Thingie number one that this leprechaun must ask you is whether or not you like to eat corned beef sandwiches. Well, do ye? And how do you feel about eating one at a table across from a closet where a wee, supernatural Irishman shall be pleasurin' himself with a handful of Crest toothpaste? And what if, on that closet door, there was a poster of Christopher Atkins, he of "The Blue Lagoon" fame, with its eyes poked out for said wee masturbatin' viewer to peer out of?

What do ye mean, "I'm a freak?" Don't be hatin', player! It's not like I'm some kinda pervy little creep! Who's the bigger arsewipe anyway -- the little self-gratifyin' green man, or the greedy gobshite who hunts around for twee goblins so's that he can steal their gold?

What do ye think about this shank? That's right -- who's the big man now? How about I cut ye? Would ye like that? A little slice across the thigh -- leprechaun justice, we calls it. No rules in the moor and dale other that what we make! Not so smiley once ye've been stabbed! Wait until I get some of me hard, pipe-hitting leprechauns to work over the homes here with a blowtorch! Startin' to get dizzy, are ye? That'll be the steady trickle from the femoral artery. Yer field o' vision will start to get fuzzy in a minute, just before you hit the ground hard.

Remember this wee face, jagoff -- I'm after ye lucky charms now.