My fellow citizens...

For a long time, the citizens of this fair city have enjoyed a high standard of living envied by other metropolitan areas across the county. Our streets are safer, our roads smoother, our buildings higher, our students smarter, and our institutions more prestigious. As we all know, we owe these wonderful blessing to the fact that our city was, in fact, built with rock and roll.

It has been this way for the greater part of the century, but as we know, all great things cannot last forever. We stand on a great precipice, with the change of the future all but laid out in front of us. As your mayor, I have made the sole concern of my administration the diversification of our rock and roll-based infrastructure towards other more modern and sustainable materials.

My administration has been investigating options in ska, reggaeton, dancehall, trip-hop, acid house, tribal, bluegrass, and even Baile funk from Brazil. We know that one our sister cities has been built -- or, perhaps we should say, rebuilt -- with rap and spoken-word, and so far, so good for them.

I'd like to assure our populace that there is no danger of our rock and roll-based infrastructure degrading any time soon, and thereby becoming a hazard. We should merely aspire to be at the vanguard of all great societies when it comes to progress. As a cautionary tale, just look at what happened to Minneapolis' Interstate 35W bridge -- that project was built not with rock and roll, but instead with Leo Sayer. You can all plainly see what occurred there.

-His Honor, the Mayor