Sunday, January 13, 2008

Imagine, if you will...

You're traveling through another dimension, a dimension not only of sight and sound, but of mind. A journey into a wondrous land whose boundaries are that of imagination. That's the sign post up ahead, your next stop... The Twilight Zone!

Imagine, if you will, a feathered creature blessed not only with webbed feet and a bill, but also a pair of twin preposterous protuberances -- human ears -- sprouting from each side of said creature's head. If you ever happen meet such a duck, be careful what you say, because you might just be tossing handfuls of white bread at fowl floating on a pond located directly in the town square of... the Twilight Zone.

Two women talking at lunch:

Katie: So I just don't know if he likes me! I mean, we were out for four hours, and we had a great conversation, and he even kissed my neck at one point, but he NEVER. MADE. EYE. CONTACT. Not once.

Daphne: That's your exit strategy right there. No eye contact means he's either evasive, bored... or ten minutes away from guest-starring on "To Catch a Predator."

Katie: I KNOW! Really, I do, but he's just so cute. I mean, he told me all about this long relationship he had back in the late ’90s and all, and he, like, actually WEPT once! A single tear! I mean, I almost... almost melted. It was SOOO charming.

Daphne: Now you're just being a damn fool. 'Mr. Weepycharms' must have Asperger's or something, because there's no way someone sane and living on planet Notfuckingcrazy does NOT manage to accidentally once look you in the pupils.

Katie: Right, my brain is telling me that, but he was dressed so well! And he chose the wine, like, a Mouton-Rothschild or something. He is so perfect! I wish he made eye contact!

Daphne: You're not seriously thinking of giving him another chance? I see it -- that look you have! You're going to give him another go, aren't you?

Katie: Have you EVER in your LIFE had a man know exactly where to kiss you on that spot on your neck?

Daphne: Sure, and they do more than follow it up with a handshake. What part of NO EYE CONTACT isn't getting through?

Katie: It's too tempting to not try again.


Katie and Daphne: [In unison] LISTENING DUCK!

Listening Duck: QUACK!

Katie: Boy, what an incredible coincidence, Listening Duck! We were just talking about something very important.

Listening Duck: QUACK!

Daphne: Listening Duck, she wants to give some guy she went on a date with a second chance after he wasn't able to look her in the eyes, once, the whole time. Please tell her she's crazy.

Listening Duck: QUACK!

Katie: But Listening Duck, it's not like that -- hear me out! He was such a gentleman, like, the old-fashioned kind. I really respond to that. It wasn't a pick-up game or anything! He just...

Listening Duck: QUACK!

Daphne: See? He sides with me.

Katie: That's not what he said!

Listening Duck: QUACK!

Katie: See? He agrees with me.

Daphne: You think he's speaking duck-Spanish? He said I'm right.

Katie: That's such bullshit. You know, you're a bitch.

Daphne: Ek...

Katie: You're fucking bitter because you haven't gotten laid in, like, five months.

Daphne: This is where you want to devolve to? You fucking flaky little nimrod? Who listens to your tired-ass phone whimpering after some guy doesn't call your flat ass back after you sleep with him on the first date? Who always picks up...

Listening Duck: QUACK!

Katie: You know, fuck you, and fuck Listening Duck!

Daphne: Fuck me? Well, how do you like fucking this? [pulls out a gun from her purse and fires at Katie, knocking her over in her seat]

Katie: *Gurgle*... *murgle*... *bluhhhh*... [expires]

Daphne: Oh my god, Katie! What have I done! [kills self with one gunshot to the head]

Listening Duck: QUACK!

Audible Turtles: Yeah, quack, quack quack. No ever gives a fuck about what the turtles have to say -- that fucking duck is all anyone cares about! I hear he's deaf anyway! Oh the irony!

The cruel irony of the situation is that the duck was, in fact, deaf. The ears were nothing more than vestigial appendages, thus giving new life to that old axiom, 'Do not try to intrigue a Listening Duck in matters where one is better off not being.' That's not something you'll find in any waterfowl field manual or terrapin conventional wisdom, so always lunch carefully when you find yourself pondside in... the Twilight Zone!