Tuesday, October 17, 2006

The Ethnocentrist's Travel Guide

Welcome, fellow travelers! My name is Rafe Bostwick, and I'm the host of "The Ethnocentrist's Travel Guide." I'd like to take you around our little watery marble floating though the cosmos, and show you the best secrets she has to offer. Let's not waste any more time dilly-dallying -- off we go!

The first stop on our itinerary is Puerto Barrios, Guatemala, a wonderful little tropical getaway on the gulf-side of the country. Every time I go there, I fall in love with the white-sand beaches and sunny blue skies -- but there's nothing quite like the good old U.S. of A., is there? So, I quickly tire of this backwater shithole and hunger for the asphalt paradise of my home country and all the amenities it offers, like an Arthur Treacher's on every corner.

The next place out voyage takes us to is Durban, South Africa. Long obscured by the cruel former regime of apartheid, South Africa is experiencing a wonderful rebirth in the "aughts" due to a tourism boom and the lure of its pristine Indian Ocean area, some of the most gorgeous, untouched coast on the continent. The people are gracious to have your tourist dollar, and English is most certainly spoken here. And why shouldn't it be? I should go to some godforsaken Third World death trap and be expected to listen to these jackasses drivel and slur through some Zulu bullshit? I think not. Another reason why I should never leave Utica.

Ah, we now come upon one of the most dazzling places in all of an area that used to be called "Indochina" not so long ago -- the Cambodian city of Angkor Wat, a majestic Buddhist temple that holds its own architecturally with anything that ancient Rome or Greece has to offer. Within the countless grottos and nooks contained therein, you'll find some of the most beautiful bas reliefs and friezes in all of southeast Asia. Make sure to bring sunscreen, though, as the tropical sun can easily reach 100 degrees on a hot day! All the more reason to avoid this mosquito- and poverty-infested mistake of a country. The food sucks, all the chinamen smell like fish, and the whole fucking bunghole looks like a ghetto, even in the quote-unquote nice parts. I'll take the lower 48, thankyouverymuch.

Well, thank you for joining our wonderful excursion through some of the wonders of the natural world. If you're anything like me, though, you're tired of little smelly brown people, a definite lack of air conditioning, and bearded peasant women so hideous looking that you wouldn't fuck them with Ed Asner's dick. I say, let's bomb the fuckers back to the Bronze Age and be home in time to watch the game. I've been your host, Rafe Bostwick. U-S-A! U-S-A!