Want to be my friend?

So glad you could come by. I know we haven't really met before, outside the office, and I know that a text message about cancer is a strange way to introduce yourself to someone, but it's good you're here nonetheless. So, I may have overstated the case in that message -- I don't have cancer, nor do I have dengue fever. I didn't specifically mention dengue, but I figured I'd just toss that in.

If you're feeling a little bitten by this deception, I don't blame you. It's only natural. If you can turn your disgust with me off for one moment, there is a question I need to ask you -- the reason why I set up this little ruse. Would you be my friend? I mean, I have lots of friends. Women friends, black friends, Jewish friends. I even have a gay friend, and he's second-generation Chinese American from Michigan. I'm not desperate or anything, I was just maybe thinking that you might have had nothing better to do tonight than hang around here and drink a bunch of Amstels and play Madden ’06.

This newest Madden kicks the fucking ass of a werewolf.

I'll give you a couple of minutes to think about it. Not too many -- the Papa John's guy is on his way with an extra large Meat Lovers. Yes, that's the Pizza Hut version, but PJ's has a similar pie. They lack for those delightful little crazybreads, but I have a pint of pistachio Haagen Dazs in the freezer for afterwards, so we shouldn't fill up anyhow.

Has that been enough time to consider? Remember, I'm not actually sick, so there won't be any downer talk about "chemo" or "transfusions" to spoil the fun.

I know I'd say yes if I was offered this.

Did I mention that I know some magic? Perhaps you've heard of me -- I'm Harry Blackstone Jr., famous magician known the world over, back in the 1980s. I can light some flash paper that I keep up my sleeve. I can also pull a bunch of multi-colored ribbon from inside my mouth. Or, at least, it will look like it's coming from inside my mouth! Actually, it does come from inside my mouth. The tricks get better than that -- later on, I have a tangled pile of metal rings that look really messed up, but you'll be amazed as I just yank them apart, magically. Or, if Madden's not your thing, we can tool around in Grand Theft Auto: Vice City. I didn't buy the newest version because I never actually finished this one. Maybe you can help me beat the drug den level.

Sounds too good to be true, right? How could you not want to stick around now? I can see us becoming real good friends. We'll hang out, be each other's wingman, cruise for hot babes. Good times. I mean, they can be good times, if you'd like to have them. With me.