Wednesday, January 17, 2007


Hello there! I'm a talking mince pie. My name is Brice!

What a novelty, I know. A speaking pie! I always get quizzical looks from people who ask impertinent questions like, "How good is your vocabulary?" Or, "What did you score on the SATs?" There's even, "Do you need to go to a dentist?"

First, my vocabulary is very good, probably better than yours... I do like to read a lot of Steinbeck. Secondly, I don't have to take the SATs; I am a pie after all. Thirdly, I don't have a mouth, so no.

But you can see, right? Irrelevant questions all.

I grapple with larger issues -- what to say. I'm stuck for words. If a talking pie isn't talking, he's just a pie. No more, no less. Sink a utensil in me and dine away.

It's not like I have to talk -- pies aren't expected to do a whole lot of anything, anyway. But it's always a bonus to get a talking pie. As far as I know, it's just me and Nigel out here. Everyone else -- wordless. And Nigel is a kidney pie, no less.

I haven't the foggiest what to do about it. Worked hard to cultivate a unique voice amongst baked goods -- I wonder where it's gone?

I'll just be over here, cooling, should you need me. Try the sweetbreads first.