Tick-tick-tick-tick-tick-tick...

And now, Andy has a few things to get off his chest about what he sees on television...

I like to watch the news on TV before I got to bed at night. I turn in early, around 9:30 reliably, so I watch some news on cable before the local broadcast comes on at 10 p.m. Now, I'm used to seeing some pretty frightening things during the news, what with Darfur and Iraq recently, and going back a while, the Vietnam war.

It seems that the tide of frightening things on my television -- I mean truly frightening -- is spilling over into the commercial space during programs. Now, I'm an old man. That much is plainly obvious, for certain. As an old man, a lot of things scare me -- pirates, for instance.

I can't turn my damn box on without seeing pirates plastered all over it. Pirates live on ships for long periods of time, they don't get enough vitamin C, and they have hooks for hands. Also, the state of their dentistry is quite poor. Horrifying.

But that's not even the part that's got me in such an uproar these days. The worst part, is the cavemen.

Some blasted insurance company is using cavemen to sell their auto policies during prime time. Like I said, I'm an old man. I'm scared of cavemen, perhaps more than even dinosaurs, wolves, or Belgians. When the damn commercial comes on, I have to ask my wife to change the channel as I pull the covers up over my head.

Do the wizards up on Madison Avenue think it's a good idea to advertise their wares by scaring the bejeezus out of an old man just as he's getting ready to push off into sleep? I'll remind the world that sleep is the closest an old man comes to dying on a daily basis. It's a wonder I make it through the night as it is.

They're damn near killing me!

I have a suggestion for those same ad wizards, with their Gucci loafers, their Brooks Brothers suits, and their fancy mayonnaise packets: I'll give you an exception on pirates, and even on giant spiders, should you want to use them for a stock brokerage commercial.

Can you just stay away from cavemen?