Sunday, April 27, 2008

Election results

Welcome to tonight's news broadcast... I'm Steve Rolston. And now, getting right into our top story: Have the American people made a horrible mistake in electing President Elasmobranch the Unyielding? At least, that's what a lot of people in the area are asking tonight after the new chief executive's inauguration was marred by the tragic death of, well, everyone who attended, at the hands of Elasmobranch himself.

We now go to the live on the scene to our correspondent Luthor Edmiston, who brings us more. Luthor, are you there?

I'm here Steve. It was a scene of carnage in Washington, D.C., today as, mere moments after he stepped up the dais to take the oath of office, President Elasmobranch the Unyielding liquified the crowd with plasma rays emitted from his eyes, followed by a release of some sort of airborne toxin from his palms that infected all the remaining onlookers with a fast-acting putrefaction agent.

The crowd was caught by surprise as Elasmobranch the Unyielding unleashed his terrifying salvo of death, leaving few survivors to tell the tale. I'm seconds away from decaying myself, Steve, so I'm going to throw it back to you before I disintegrate on camera.

That was Luthor Edmiston reporting live, from the capital. Now, people from coast to coast are wondering if there was something that could have been done to prevent this terrible tragedy. We spoke to some protestors today in midtown to hear what they had to say:

We warned you all for months! You didn't listen to us! Elasmobranch said nothing on the campaign trail but "KILL ALL THE HUMANS!" He never elaborated his position on gun control, abortion, foreign policy, the economy... nothing! He just repeated "KILL ALL THE HUMANS!" over and over again!

Elasmobranch consumed human skulls on each campaign stop! You people could have saw the signs! All you cared about was whether or not you could have a beer with him! This monster will kill us all! Run for the hills!

Officials from the "Elasmobranch 2008" campaign have released a statement: "We deeply regret the minor error that occurred today on the steps of the Capitol, and will endeavor to make it up to American public. Watch your mailboxes for a tax rebate soon."

We'll have more for you as this story continues to unfold. But coming up, Nick Drye the Weather Guy will have your five-day "Mediocre-Tron 3000" weather forecast, and Paul will have the latest news from the "boys of summer" at the ballpark, so stay tuned right after these lawn furniture commercials.