Family reunion

Oh my god! Uncle Larry! Is that you? It's been at least a decade since I saw you last. How are you, you old so-and-so? I guess you lost a little bit of the mane up top, huh? I guess that all the men in the family... PUT YOUR FUCKIN' HANDS UP! PUT EM UP, ASSHOLE! GET EM THE FUCK UP! I'LL FUCKING CAP YOU! I'LL FUCKING DO IT! GIMME THE FUCKING MONEY! GIMME THE MONEY NOW, ASSFUCK!

Aunt Betty! Dear lord, it's so nice to see you too! I know, I have gotten big! The last time I saw you was just before I left for college. I have filled out -- of course, I do hit the gym a lot. How is cousin Rachel? Mom told me like, two year ago, that she had a son, right? I'LL FUCKING CUT YOU! GIMME THE FUCKIN' MONEY! EMPTY YOUR FUCKING WALLET IN THE BAG, YOU CUNT! I'LL FUCK YOU UP! HAND IT ALL OVER! HAND IT OVER GODDAMMIT! YOU WANT TO FUCKIN' DIE? YOU WANT A FUCKIN' HOLE IN YOUR HEAD?! DON'T FUCK THIS UP!

Roy! "Little Roy"! Roy Fields! What are you, like, 16 now? I know, not so little. What's that? All-County Greco-Roman wrestling squad? Geez, that's higher then I was able to roll. Man, that sounds awesome, Roy. It's great to hear that you've already been accpeted to ’State. What a real honor, dude. HAND IT THE FUCK OVER! DON'T FUCK THIS UP FOR EVERYONE, ASSHOLE! YOU WANT AUNT MARY TO GET FUCKIN' BRAINS ALL OVER HER COBBLER? I'LL FUCKIN' DO IT! DON'T FUCKING TEST ME! HAND OVER THE FUCKING MONEY! EVERYTHING FROM THE WALLET, TOUGH GUY! I WILL FUCK YOU UP SO HARD THEY WON'T BE ABLE TO IDENTIFY YOU! FUCKING TEST ME! I DARE YOU!

What's that grandma? Dad's done grilling the wings and ribs? Sweet! I could eat a whole rhino I'm so hungry. FUCKING DO IT, YOU OLD BAG! I'LL PUT A PILL IN YOUR LID AND FUCK THE EXIT WOUND, YOU OLD CRONE! GIMME THE GODDAMN PURSE! DON'T FUCKING FIGHT BACK, YOU BAG OF SHIT! I'LL FUCKING END YOU! I'LL DO IT!

Just dropping you a note

Dear mom and dad,

Seeing as to how I got to Phoenix six months ago, I realize it's been a while between letters. I just thought I'd write to tell you about how things have been going for me in the big city.

Well, I'm making a lot of friends here... it's just as I thought it would be. People are really welcoming to newcomers, I suppose because Phoenix is pretty much a city full of emigrants from other parts of the country. As soon as I got an apartment, I started to meet my neighbors... and their roommates, and their roommates' friends... and so on. I feel like I've been here for years with the network of folks I've met.

Even better, my job at the Barnes and Noble is a lot of fun. There's this girl I work with, Sammy... suffice it to say I'm interested, but she is my manager. I remember what you always told me, dad, about workplace relationships -- especially with superiors -- so I'm taking it slow. You'd be proud of me... I think you'd both be proud of me these days.

Yeah, so, things are going really well here. It's always summer, it seems, and people always have smiles on their faces. Well, gotta go. Give my love to Uncle Conrad and Aunt Ginny. Make sure you take your pills dad, and don't give mom such a hard time about it.

Sincerely,

Erik "Thunderwing" Braunsen,
Southwest Regional Competitive Buffalo
Chicken-Wing Eating Champion, 2006