Tuesday, May 01, 2007

Think globally...

How am I going to change the world? Easy -- one person at a time. I plan on starting with Thomas Jane.

Fossil fuels are contributing to catastrophic buildup of greenhouse gases in the atmosphere, causing heat to be trapped! Society and industry must come together to find a solution to this problem before global warming alters the temperature profile of the planet. What kind of steps can we take to ensure that this happens? Make sure that Tom Jane is comfortable. Get the guy something to drink. Maybe he's thirsty.

A spate of shocking violence has struck our culture -- gun violence, rooted deep in the fears of the American psyche. As many people want to see firearms restricted as have them remain uncurbed, and while people squabble, nothing is getting done. How can you soothe a terrified nation and come to a reasonable compromise? Ask Tom Jane if he's satisfied with his mobile phone carrier. I can only wonder whether he goes through his minutes all upfront in the month, or if he has a friends and family circle that gives him a break. Plus, does Tom Jane pay a dime for each text message?

What about Thomas Jane's feelings on Darfur? Or about the war in Iraq? Or what about North Korea's nuclear capabilities? Maybe he has something to say about the woeful state of our public schools? I don't know myself, I'm just asking Thomas Jane.

Why did he take "Deep Blue Sea"? That movie sucked, but admittedly, he was the best thing about it. Does he buy his groceries himself, or do he and Patricia Arquette have a staff to take care of things like that? Will he let his children believe in Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny? I'm sure that he must have an opinion on "30 Rock". I bet Thomas Jane watches "30 Rock" every Thursday, or at least he TiVos it. I don't think he smokes, but maybe he once did.

He's definitely not Ed Asner. I would bet that he owned a bicycle as a child, and that he still might ride one today. Perhaps, Thomas Jane and I could hang out like buddies who haven't seen each other in a long while and catch up on old business -- sports scores and the like. We could grab some steaks and reminisce about his varied career, and some of the dope roles he's snagged. Then we could even discuss how there's only room in Hollywood for EITHER him or Aaron Eckhart.

Please call me back, Tom. I mean, I know I never called you, but maybe you can initiate and call me? I think we could be good friends. More likely, you would be repulsed at the elaborate fantasy life I've constructed for us and our non-existent friendship. And that would be alright, really. I know I'm a monster. Who goes through the cast of "The Sweetest Thing" looking for someone to complete the painful, dark chasms in their personal life, anyway?

Please don't go, Tom.