Friday, July 28, 2006

On ze couch

Und zo, tell me vaht you are so scared of.

Well, doc, my wife is going on an overnight trip to the greater D.C. area.

Vashington-Dizzle-Sizzle, you mean?

No, I don't mean. Please don't say that, ever again.

Okeydoke... continue.

Well, she's going to be be gone until tomorrow, and I'm just afraid that...

Zat you vill miss her? Very understandable!

No, doc, that's not it. What I'm afraid of is... is...

Uh huh, yes, yes, zis is a zafe place... say vaht you vill.

It's just that... there's a danger of her... filking.

Uh, "filking"? I'm not understanding.

Filking -- it's a hobby that her hosts are apparently into.

Yes, yes, but -- vaht is zis "filking"?

Filking is a music genre amongst fans of sci-fi and fantasy. Fr'instance, if you ever boogie down to a Star Trek convention and catch some dudes dressed as Klingons dirging over past victories and lost brethren, that's filking.

Vhen vould I ever boogie down to a Star Trek convention?

Me... this session is about me, you imaginary Austrian fever dream!

Right, zen. Zo, vhen it comes to zis filking, you're afraid of your vife succumbing?

I saw "Trekkies." I know how magnetic the pull of a prosthetic Klingon brow smeared in spirit gum can be. What if she comes back different? What if she starts acting like the merciless Klingon sisters Lursa and B'Tor from the "Next Gen" episode "Past Prologue"? I shudder to think what hunnish practices Klingons submit their mates to on the marital bed.

Vell, zat would be interesting. Might you come back and give me details of ze Klingon romantic habits? I vould like to hear of any testicle-related torture zo zat I may incorporate it into my own perverse -- borderline illegal -- sexual predilections.

What am I paying you for?

You're not paying me a single zing. You're imagining all zis vhile passed out on the stoop of your building after a hot afternoon zpent quaffing gravy and Scotchgard.

Oh yeah. Good times!