Apples, in a cardboard box

Hi! I'm your local FreshDirect deliverydude! I'm the guy who wakes you up at 7 a.m. on a Wednesday morning by idling outside of your building for 35 minutes at a clip, all the while my stinky truck is chugging out inky, black diesel smoke.

I'm sure you want to get on board with the newest, hippest thing there is going with food service in New York: Balducci's and Zabar's are either too crowded or too inconvenient to get to, but you don't want to sacrifice access to twenty-dollar cheeses and four-dollar apples. What else is there to do?

Well, you can order a whole bunch of overpriced produce over the "Web" and have it delivered right to your door! There's no reason to exit your apartment ever, unless you're looking for a cab to take you to your office at Salomon Smith Barney, or your Jaguar to take you out to Amagansett. Tired of "ethnic" clerks? We are too!

But -- what's the best part of our service, aside from the needlessly-wasted fossil fuels and solipsistic reinforcement? The paper! That's right, we use a ludicrous amount of cardboard to individually wrap each item you receive. Sound wasteful? It is! Since you're more than worth the value of 6,ooo lowly human beings, don't you think you're entitled to waste valuable resources on that same scale?