Friday, September 01, 2006

Your quarterly H.R. memo:
"The Early Bird"

Welcome, employees! As some of you have noted not so quietly, there's been a bit o' delay since the last "Early Bird." As most of you know, there's been a lot of upheaval the last few months since our new corporate owners came aboard. Well, we're pleased to report that we're back on track, and here to give you a better idea about how things are going to go in the near future.

For starters, in the interest of making us a more closely-knit company, we're instituting "Teamwork Goals" for each department. There will be productivity marks to hit each month that will match up to last year's for that month. We're developing an exciting incentive program that will motivate you to think "Team" before you think "Me." We're all in this together, gang -- one big team! Also, the Christmas party has been canceled.

In other happenings, we stopped by the office of H.R. director Sheryl Gold to ask her what was up with matching contributions to your 401k funds. "The company is trending towards diminishment of matching funds by the next fiscal year," Sheryl said as she removed a severed human arm from a cooler beneath her desk and hungrily consumed the blackened flesh. "Also, as of the fourth quarter, there will accordingly be an end to the profit sharing plan of the last four years. Likewise, we're going to be reviewing departmental responsibilities -- to make us a leaner, meaner team," Sheryl added, as she tore human flesh from bone, strands of decaying meat falling out of her maw. "The 'team' concept is something we'd like everyone to think about," she concluded, as she took a four-week-old Russian Blue kitten out of a shoebox on her desk, placed it on the ground, and stamped down on it with the heel of her shoe.

Moving from Sheryl's office to the "big boss," CEO Bob Garnet, we asked the "prez" what was in store for the company this fall. "We're investigating the possibility of purchasing a parcel on Long Island and streamlining the staffing situation. In the interest of making us a more vibrant and lively group, we'd like to reduce the number of personnel in the Manhattan office," Garnet said as he closed a child's hand in a door while simultaneously whipping his stomach with a car antenna.

That's all for this month, gang -- keep your eyes peeled for the next "Early Bird." In the meantime, we're sorry to report that the kitchen area is being closed off to cut down on water and power costs.