Tuesday, September 19, 2006

I'm America's NEW Mayor!

Hello, I'm Michael Bloomberg, the current mayor of New York City and future "America's Mayor," as soon as Rudolph Giuliani does something stupid to abdicate that title. I'm a man of many convictions and contradictions, and I'd like to leave a lasting national legacy outside of naked capitalistic greed.

I'm here to talk to you today about my efforts to fight poverty in New York with a flotilla of tax credits and rewards for lower-income families.

Isn't that nice?

Perhaps while the poor of this great city is out buying contaminated spinach with the five actual dollars they'll receive from this bonus plan, they won't notice that I've enabled the sale of every last remaining square foot of sallow earth in the city limits for development as ultra-luxe condos and apartments. I figure it was the least I could do for progress in the city. I owe a huge debt to the many Patrick Bateman-esque anony-drones of the world who sweep into New York from cultureless enclaves and wash out the natural character of the place. I guess, sorta like me.

Enjoy the spinach, suckers!