Saturday, June 03, 2006

2007 Oscar Preview

[NOTE: This is a lost segment of the transcript from next year’s Academy Award ceremony, falling roughly two-and-one-half hours into the ceremony. It is still not clear why this will be omitted from the live broadcast.]

VOICEOVER: We now return to the Kodak Theatre in Los Angeles for the 77th annual Academy Awards.

BILLY CRYSTAL, HOST: One of our next two presenters was recently featured in the pages of the Greater Akron Law Journal, and the other jumps up and down on a mattress next to a glass of red wine. Here are Dame Judith Dench and Seann William Scott!

[SCOTT and DENCH approach the telescoping microphone. After an uncomfortable moment spent looking at each other waiting for a cue to see who should read first, DENCH leans forward.]

DENCH: Since time immemorial, humanity has sought only one thing – the power to destroy the sun.

SCOTT: Here are the nominees for “Best Actor in a Motion Picture.” [Screen behind him begins showing the nominee khyron.] Steven Bauer, for “The Murderous Hour, Consisting of 60 Deadly, Fatal Minutes.” [Camera finds BAUER in the audience. Applause.] Daniel Baldwin, “Beyond Beneath the Planet of Friday After Next: The Voyage Home.” [Camera finds BALDWIN, applause.]

DENCH: Jonathan Silverman, for “A Life in Kabuki: The Bruce Jenner Story.” [Camera shows a stock photo of SILVERMAN, as he was unable to attend. No applause.] Jon Voight, “Don’t Tell Mom The Pakistani Prime Minister’s Been Assassinated.” [Camera finds VOIGHT in the crowd, and quickly jumpcuts to ANGELINA JOLIE, dourly chewing on her left index fingernail. Wild applause.] And… Robert Patrick, for “They Shoot Horses, Don’t They? 2: Equine Fury.” [Camera finds PATRICK, talking to woman sitting next to him. Applause.]

SCOTT: And the Oscar goes to…

DENCH: [Struggles with the seal, but finally tears it open.] Daniel Baldwin, for “Beyond Beneath the Planet of Friday After Next: The Voyage Home.”

[The Kodak Theatre erupts in applause, making it apparent that BALDWIN was the house favorite to win. BALDWIN gets up from his seat, shakes the hand of his director, some of his brothers, his mother and a few other people before bounding the stage.]

BALDWIN: Well… whoo! This is certainly… [Applause, again from the audience] Thank you, thank you… I never expected to be up here, I’ll tell you that. Well, I… I’d like to start off by thanking the Academy. I’d like to especially thank the late Karl Malden [Gestures heavenward with the award, as the screen cuts to a visibly agitated shot of MALDEN in the back of the house.] Karl, this is for you. I wish you were here tonight to share in this. I’d also like to thank my agent, Milton Krapf from ICM – boychik, wherever you are, I love ya. I have to thank my director, the great Terence Malick… Terry, you in the hizzie? [Scans the aisles.] A lot of people said he was taking a risk by casting me in the role that Conrad Bain had originated. I hope this shows the critics they were wrong. Oh, of course, I have to thank my brothers Billy, Alec, Stephen, Gregor, Linus, Sven, Vitali, Jorge, Basil, Gary, Jeroen, Hideki, Arpad, and Shmuel. I’d like to thank the nations of Togo and Benin for being so kind to the production of this film, even though we shot it in Topanga Canyon. I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention the work of my peers in such films as “Kenan and Kel’s GoodBurger,” “Gleaming the Cube,” and “Ghoulies” for being such an inspiration. I’d like to give a special thanks to… [the ORCHESTRA begins to pipe up over his speech, the kill-cue from the producers.] Stop playing! I may never get a chance to get up here again, so this is my time! STOP PLAYING! [They stop.] Thank you. So I… ah, yeah, so, I want to thank James Seward for his 1867 purchase of Alaska. I’d also like to thank nature for abhorring a vacuum. I’d like to thank a watched pot for not boiling, and I’d also like to thank Edna St. Vincent Millay. I have to give a special, heartfelt thanks to Presto Magix. And I want to thank the one person who started me down this road, my mentor, the whole reason I’m here – Detroit Lions football great Sir Quentin Crisp, who bought me my first can of stew and taught me the full, true meaning of the Federalist Papers. Thank you!