Friday, June 16, 2006

My needs

My needs frighten people. Sicken others. Repulse even more. Titillate no one. My needs must be attended to. I retain a staff of two people to see to my needs, a man and woman who were born deaf and colorblind -- the perfect antidote to the insanity of my needs.

I used to ask a neighbor to help me attend to my needs, but he got tired of putting peanut butter in his hair to get the chewing gum out. At one point I used the services of burly furniture movers, but they quit on me when their heads got caught between the bars five times too many. My grandmother was the first to assist me with my needs -- the horrid, fascinating needs -- but her aim got worse with her age.

My needs have driven me from house to house, county to county, never staying in one place for too long before the denizens got wary of just what my needs entailed. There were many laws broken, and yet more written, to sanction my deliciously decadent needs.

I once derailed a train full of baby formula by parking a tanker truck loaded with 3,000 gallons of coconut oil onto the tracks. All to support my needs... oh, my deliriously debauched needs.

There was this other time where I had to sink yacht full of deep-fried bowling balls in the Strait of Hormuz -- again, all in the name of my needs.

I impersonated a petty tyrant of a Central American nation for 12 years, just to fulfill those same needs -- those that men flee from and women weep over.

Yes, the same needs as described above.