More like, " 'Closer' To Sucking!"

"Closer" was off the mark, not well done at all. Too overwrought, miscast (Julia, Jude, Natalie), and too glib. I can't buy Natalie Herschlag... ooops, Portman, as a stripper. The only redeeming thing going for it was our man Clive Owen, ever the sport in whatever place you put him (see "Sin City" for chrizzakes). He filled his line-readings with anger/rage as well as a heady tincture of sadness and regret. His was the only schlock worth buying, because he sold it so well. Law, Roberts, and Portman sounded unconvinced by the dirty words they were being asked to memorize.

Yes, I have a man-crush on Clive. Slash away, ladies.