They never call

I haven't picked up my phone in what feels like weeks. I don't use it. It's like my appendix - vestigial, from a time when we used to eat tree bark. I mean, I get calls from the wife, but she has the number of the secret Batphone - it's the civilians of Gotham who never call me.

I'm not really complaining... but if I'm going through the trouble to maintaining what isn't exactly a convenience anymore but rather a necessity, I figure I should get some use out of the bitch. I mean, a wrong number, a lewd call. Any fucking thing. Just to acknowledge the fact that I'm playing along with the rules, "Look at me, the Phone Guy, the Boy With the Phone, the Man Who Makes Calls... boogly!"

I don't want to hear from anyone. To the contrary, I want to beat them all to death with a dirt rake. I just want my caramel treat for doing a good job. Fuckers.

I don't get any mail, either.