Negative body image

I've never been called "lanky." I would love to hear it, but it isn't true. I'm more what you would describe "eggplanty." Lanky is a good word -- it's a real boon to hear, should someone issue it your way.

Eggplanty is not. Neither is muffin-top, which is what spills out over my pants and fills my tucked-in shirt. It's not pretty.

I just saw a lanky guy walking down Pine Street. He was tall, thin -- lanky, I'd guess. Sumbitch has probably been described as being lanky many times in his life. I'm guessing no one has ever walked by and said, "Hey look -- there's that guy from the place who does the thing, and he has a revolting inner-tube of cellulite around his waist and a chip on his shoulder, and he wants a goddamn fruit-pie stuffed into his mouth along with an entire fucking Toblerone bar, immediately. Look at him! Look at the freak! The dancing freak! With the muffin-top!"

I try to misattribute my unsightly piles of skin and cellulite -- I tell my Oilbaum that I have a significant accumulation of what is called "character jelly." There's no flair in being a plain-old tub of goo, which is exactly what I am. Ten pounds of shit in a five pound bag.