Monday, May 29, 2006

The worst song in the known universe

I was standing on line at the deli yesterday, tolerating the shit-rock they were piping in on the store speakers (shit-rock is any radio format that only plays the same six 1970-1979 era rock songs from the Guess Who, Bad Company, Steve Miller Band, and Bob Seger) when it occurred to me -- I am listening to THE worst song ever written by Man's hands. Seriously, like the equivalent of an Ed Wood movie, only portrayed sonically.

Bachman Turner Overdrive's "You Ain't Seen Nothin' Yet."

The competition for worst song of all time was heavy -- mostly just from other BTO songs (sorry, Canadian readers!). What strikes me about this song that sets it apart from the shit-rest is the poor melody, whiny vocals, and heavyset white-guys with beards affect of the band. If anything could at greater variance with a song about scoring some ass, it's the sound and look of these douschebags. I mean, what loose, chlamydia-having, trailer-skank would deign to open her lap to any one of these yahoos? I don't buy their conceit for a minute, and that renders the song contextually incredible.

But if it was only context they have to battle against -- the song contains several instances of arrhythmic stuttering, the claim that the vocalist will "take what he can get" when it comes to "lovin' " (which is never a good sign when looking for a lover), something that sounds like medical malpractice, and several more instances of arrhythmic stuttering. Embarrassing.

I'll let BTO state the songwriting case against itself:

I met a catholic woman,
She took my heart away
She said I had it coming to me
But I wanted it that way
I think that any love is good lovin'
So I took what I could get
She looked at me with big brown eyes, and said

You ain't seen nothing yet
B-B-B-Baby you just ain't seen n-n-n-nothing yet
Here's something that your never gonna forget
B-B-B-Baby you just ain't seen n-n-n-nothing yet

And now I'm feeling better
Cuz I found out for sure
She took me to her doctor
And he told me of a cure
He said that any love is good love
So I took what I could get
Yes I took what I could get
And then she looked at me with those big brown eyes and said

You ain't seen nothing yet
B-B-Baby you just ain't seen n-n-nothing yet
Here's something, here's something your never gonna forget
you know you know you know you just ain't seen nothing yet

I'll leave it to you, dear reader, to hunt down the actual tune and listen to its twee melody and the shrill vocalizing of Randy Bachman. Surely, there is nothing "overdrive" about any of this sad affair.