Friday, February 17, 2006

Guest blogger

(The editor is out for the day... in his stead, he's left his capable assistant Buddy Boloney to handle all blogging chores for today)

Hello folks! I'm Buddy Boloney, and I'll be the boss around here today. Wait just a second, so I can take a drink of water out of this glass while Bill says the alphabet.

Hotcha-hotcha -- I gotcha! I guess that joke is what you'd call "ventriloquist's dummy humor." Guess you had to be there.

You know what I love about this weird weather we've been having? It's like 60 degrees outside today -- beautiful! Especially after the huge blizzard we had last weekend... what a big change. I'm so happy that I'm sporting wood!

Hotcha-hotcha -- I gotcha! See, my whole body is made of wood. So, it's like a pun. Wordplay. Right.

So, lessee... the other day I was having a coffee, reading my copy of "Black Inches," when the phone rings. I pick it up, and the guy on the line tells me that he's interested in getting me to change my long-distance carrier. I say back to him, "Great, because it's real stuffy inside that leather case he keeps me in!"

Hotcha-hotcha -- I gotcha! Whoa now... what, nothing?

My fucking head is made of oak, and there's a man's hand fisting my asshole right now the fuck hard do I have to work? Just a goddamn titter... a chuckle... anything. I sit in that motherjumping case for weeks on end, and the second I get out into the fresh, moving air, I'm met with ennui and opprobrium.

You think I do this for fun? You think I enjoy this? What the say did I have in any of this? My hands are inefficable little sticks that the big guy has to move for me -- and he mostly just makes me do wanking motions. Fucking legs just dangle there, little brown wingtips swing from side to side, helplessly. I make Terri Schiavo look like Jerome-fucking-Bettis.

Taking a break. Maybe I'll come back later. Buddy Boloney out. Asswipes.