Tuesday, February 28, 2006

PBS presents... "Battles of the Civil War That Cannot Be Reasonably Substantiated"

Narrated by G. Beauregard Poteat

This week's episode: The Bovine Battle of Beulah Grove

"Hello, I'm your host, Beau Poteat. This week, it's my pleasure to tell you about a little-known battle of the Civil War (or, as I like to call it, The War of Northern Aggression) that historians have named 'The Battle of Beulah Grove.' Now, this fight is so unlike any others in that pyrrhic war between the states (which was initiated by that Federalist demogogue Abraham Lincoln). This particular skirmish had a different complexion than the usual armed scuffle in that the principle agents of death were, in fact, cows employed by each side, Yankee bastard and Southern gentleman alike. The loss of life was astonishing -- over three million men, women, children, babies, and Puerto Rican deaf-mutes were wiped off that face of the planet by the wages of war.

"It's hard to say who could be considered a winner in this barnyard tilt for the ages -- the battlefield was littered with the still-moaning husks of young men from each side riddled with grapeshot, musket-balls, and prime rib. The historical evidence we have of the tableau is graphic and frightening, but since it doesn't exist, I'll have to describe to you the imagery I have of it in my head: Black-and-white pictures of pudding-filled children's swimming pools; cows fighting ostriches in a titanic, horrific battle for the ages to determine whether the bovine or the avian receives the divine mandate to rule over the Earth; a pair of lost car-keys left behind by a man who's spilled his coffee on a Jesuit Monk. Horrifying, just horrifying.

"Well, I can tell by the blowdart that was just shot into in my neck that our time is up this week. Join us next week for more tales of easily-dismissable, poorly substantiated tales of Civil War battles that most likely never occurred. Until then, via con Bob."