Not doing "ordinary"

If I can be compared to you, I've failed. The last thing I want to to be counted among the swarthy, grunting rabble on the street, braying for spare change, eating at their Olive Gardens, drinking their pinot grigio. I quiver in rage at the prospect of being tossed in with you proles.

This is why I have a brilliant idea. You know how when people are intimidated by somebody else, they reduce that man by saying, "He puts his pants on one leg at a time," right? Well, no more! Hah-hah! I've invented a state-of-the-art device that puts my pants on BOTH legs at a time. Suck it, Trebek!

The best part? It's powered by state-of-the-art steam technology. As in S-T-E-A-M, water in superheated vapor form. I don't think anyone else has thought to exploit the power of the water molecule -- so I got there first, bitches.

Look at me! My pants aren't on -- and now they are! BOTH LEGS at a time! I will get back months of time wasted deciding which leg to slip into my trousers first. There they both go in! Whee-hee!