Delicious death from above

Sure, there's a ban on liquids in your carry-on luggage right now -- authorities have been tipped off to how easy explosives can be used in fluid form. So, while things like shampoo, water, soft drinks, cosmetics, and cleaning products have been banned from airline flights, there's one substance we haven't yet heard about...

Salad dressing.

Think about it. Where's the threat? Salad dressing is one of nature's purest forms of ambrosia, nectar of the gods... if you enjoy said nectar with chuncks of tangy Maytag bleu cheese. I have a long-standing affinity for dressing, dating back to childhood. Whenever I wanted to dig in to a cool, crisp bed of romaine, or a pile of lemony, peppery baby greens, salad dressing has always been there for me. Like the basily, vinegary big brother I never had.

In our hour of greatest need, I think that me, you, and the entire aerospace industry can safely rely on salad dressing as the one liquid of choice to bring aboard flights. Now isn't the time to listen to the corporate interests of "Big Water," or "Big Shampoo," or even "Big Toothpaste." There's only one creamy, mustardy, tart 16-fluid-ounce friend we can count on in troubling times.

Save us, salad dressing. Oh pure, noble salad dressing. I've been hurt before by salsa and club soda. I don't even want to talk about my brief dalliance with mint jelly. Those bruises came from... the stairs, when I fell down them, I mean.

I need you back, salad dressing. I was so wrong -- I've been an idiot. Please! I'll do anything! I'll drown my kids! You hate them, right? Gone -- POOF! They're gone! Just don't ask where they are, afterwards. I need this. I'm sick. I'm sick... I'll... hurt myself. I'll do it. If you don't call me tonight, I'll kill myself. Call me, salad dressing. Call me -- I'm serious. I'll do it.