Friday, August 18, 2006

Tom Bosley's cooking me eggs

Me: *Snxxxx... snore....*

Tom Bosley: Bill...

Me: *Snxxxx... snore.... pptthhht... snxxx*

Tom Bosley: Wake up, Bill. [nudge] Wake up.

Me: Hrmmm... hummm... what? [blinking, rubbing eyes]

Tom Bosley: It's me, Bill. Come with me into the kitchen.

Me: Tom... Bosley? Why're you in my bedroom -- at three in the morning?

Tom Bosley: Come with me. Be careful not to wake Janice up.

Me: O.K.

[Padding out the bedroom, into the kitchen.]

Tom Bosley: I'm glad I found you again.

Me: Whaddya mean again? Did you break into my apartment?

Tom Bosley: It's not like that, William. I have something important to tell you. But first, how do you like your eggs?

Me: Eggs? It's too early for breakfast... it's 3 a.m.

Tom Bosley: As you're fond of noting. The only way I can't make them is poached, but everything else is on the table, so to speak.

Me: Um... over easy?

Tom Bosley: Pour yourself some milk and get comfortable.

Me: [Pouring some skim into a tumbler.] Aside from the obvious strangeness of T.V.'s Howard Cunningham being in my apartment in the middle of the night -- what do you have to say to me?

Tom Bosley: You don't remember the other times?

Me: What other times?

Tom Bosley: The other times I've visited you. You were very young.

Me: When?

Tom Bosley: 1980, for instance? And again in 1985... but you slept straight through that one.

Me: What's going on here?

Tom Bosley: I come and check up on you, periodically. To make sure you're OK. Here, your eggs are ready. [Plates eggs.] No bacon -- sorry.

Me: You're checking up on me now.

Tom Bosley: Right. But, you're a man now, not a little boy anymore. I can't protect you like I did way back when, but I can tell you something that will be just as good: It's going to be O.K.

Me: What will?

Tom Bosley: It. You're going to be alright.

Me: But, there's so much... my brother, my job... it really feels like it's pouring now.

Tom Bosley: You have to listen to me -- you're going to be O.K. It's going to be alright.

Me: Really?

Tom Bosley: That's the truth, Bill. It's why I'm here.

Me: I'll be O.K., Tom?

Tom Bosley: Really. You're OK. You're alright. You're in a good place here. And I don't think I'll have to come back after tonight.

Me: *Munch... mrpph* These eggs are great.