Saturday, August 26, 2006

Killblade's lament

Every time I open the Daily Gazette to read about my criminal exploits, I'm always taken aback by the way they choose to describe me: "A member of Luminous Man's rogue's gallery, Killblade, robbed the First Trust & Loan Bank yesterday afternoon..."

That's it? I'm reduced to being a member of a "rogue's gallery"? As if my entire criminal career has been pinioned on attracting the attention of Luminous Man, that glowing fruitcake. I've been cutting through armored cars and bank vaults with my repertoire of spinning cobalt-tipped buzzsaws for at least five months before Luminous Man even arrived here in the teeming metropolis of Cityston Heights. It's not like I came out of the woodwork to challenge that lighter-than-air do-gooder. That's what this city has The Haberdasher for -- that villainous fucker never comes up with anything original. Always with the hypno-hats, machine gun-hats, acid-spitting-hats... millinery asshole.

Some newspaper jagoff sitting in a rolley-chair, wearing a bad tie, and drinking oily coffee decides to punch up his shitty 500 word article at my expense. Like I have anything to do with the rest of the pissheads who terrorize this city -- Chilblain, Ordinance Nightmare, The Insectivore, Helicopter Horror, or The Prosector, to name a few. As if we all sit around The Motor Master's apartment, eating shitty Chinese food, wondering how we can piss off Luminous Man yet again for the thirtieth time this month.

I started this life of crime with one big idea in mind -- I wanted to steal enough money to pay for my pop's expensive chemotherapy treatment. The damn H.M.O. denied his claim, so I had to turn my technical know-how and mechanical wizardry towards a life of crime. Yeah, I know, cliche, cliche, cliche. What can I say -- I also just love taking shit that ain't mine. But it's not like I'm trying to poison the entire fucking water supply, like The Wicked Smile. That cocksucker is fucking nuts!

So the next time you see my name in print associated with all those other wankers, try to separate ol' Killblade from the Aquaticuses and the Pie-Men of the world. It'd do a world of good for my ego.