The Stephen Hawking Podcast

HEL-LO. I AM STE-PHEN HAW-KING. THIS IS MY POD-CAST. THERE IS SO MUCH TO TALK A-BOUT LATE-LY, SO LET'S NOT DE-LAY ANY FURTHER.

I WAS RECENT-LY QUOTED BY NEWS ORGAN-I-ZATIONS AS SAY-ING THAT MANKIND COULD NOT SUR-VIVE THE NEXT ONE-HUN-DRED YEARS ON PLANET EARTH. I WOULD LIKE TO AMEND MY EST-I-MATION -- MAKE THAT FIF-TY YEARS. THERE IS NO HOPE FOR US ALL. CER-TAIN DOOM AWAITS MAN-KIND, SO MUCH SO THAT MY OWN LIFE-LESS FATE OF PU-TRI-FYING IN THIS WHEEL-CHAIR WILL LOOK FOR-TUN-ATE.

SURE, MAN-KIND MAY HAVE A SCAL-DING FUTURE OF BUR-NING, HOT SUN-LIGHT, AN OXY-GEN-LESS AT-MOS-PHERE, CIVIL WARS, AND PERIODS OF INTENSE IN-TER-SPE-CIES VIO-LENCE, BUT BUCK UP. THERE ARE STILL THINGS YOU CAN DO TO ALTER THE COURSE OF WORLD EVENTS.

FOR IN-STANCE, I SUG-GEST YOU START BY DROW-NING YOUR CHILDREN IN THE BATH-TUB, PREF-ER-ABLY BY FILLING THE TUB ONE QUAR-TER THE WAY FULL OF BRACK-ISH, CHILLY WATER, AND PUSH-ING THEIR LI-TTLE, HELP-LESS FACES UNDER THE SUR-FACE. YOU ARE DOING THEM THE FAVOR OF SPAR-ING THEIR FOR-SAK-EN LIVES FROM DE-CADES OF HOR-ROR AND MI-SERY. A WA-TER-Y GRAVE IS MORE MERCY THAN THOSE LAST FEW SUR-VIV-ORS OF THE END-TIME CA-TAS-TRO-PHE WILL RE-CEIVE.

ALSO, NOW IS THE TIME TO STOCK UP ON AM-MU-NI-TION AND GIN. WELD STEEL AND AL-U-MIN-IUM PLATES TO EVERY ENTRY INTO YOUR HOUSE. BAR ANY VI-SI-TORS -- THEY ARE LOO-KING FOR POT-A-BLE WATER, AND THEY ARE A THREAT TO YOUR VE-RY SUR-VI-VAL.

I MIGHT ALSO RE-CO-MEND JOI-NING A DOOMS-DAY CULT AND COM-MIT-ING SUI-CIDE BY APP-LE-SAUCE AND BAR-BIT-U-ATE OVER-DOSE. MAKE SURE TO CHECK OUT YOUR LOCAL FOOT-WEAR PUR-VEY-OR FOR STY-LISH BLACK NIKE HIGH-TOPS.

WELL, MY TIME IS UP FOR TODAY. MAKE SURE YOU TUNE IN TO NEXT WEEK'S POD-CAST, WHERE I WILL BE DIS-CUS-ING PET A-DOP-TION. UN-TIL THEN, EX-CEL-SI-OR.