Thursday, August 17, 2006

Planetary Memo

From: Blerptar, regional manager of Solar System Gamma-Alpha-9

To: All intergalactic staff


Friends, enemies, and clouds of gaseous vapor,

As noted in the daily human periodical The New York Times, the squishy pink things we take so much delight in probing anally have convened a meeting of their top brain-bearers to set the matter of Pluto qualifying as a planet to rest.

Our official position -- whoop-dee-dizzle. The League of Various Lifeform Thingies has long recognized that barren hunk of ice as a sessile comet, and not as a planet... and not even as a planetoid. (Oh, SNAP -- take that Glebtron-7 from the planet Playtex! The council will never go along with your toid-crazy subclassifications!)

While I'm on the subject of Pluto, I'd just like to apprise our membership of the progress we're making on the DestructoPlex, the Pluto-based particle beam weapon we're building to obliterate the planet Earth: it goes well.

Now, in unrelated news, I'd like to take a moment out to mention Pheetlebrok from the planet Heineken-8. Most of you know him as the shambling purple guy with the tentacles in the corner of the copyroom who exudes toxic phermones. We'd like to congratulate Pheetlebrok on 250 cento-annums of service to the council; accordingly, there will be an ammonia-nickel crumb ring in the kitchen until close-of-business tonight to celebrate the occasion.

The last note of business today is the growing problem that's increasingly finding its way into the complaint box -- lifeforms in our administrative zero-gravity cubicle complex are playing their foodlightmusic too loud. Again. I mentioned this briefly in the last memo, but apparently 20,000 entire species being jettisoned out of the airlock into the vacuum of space wasn't enough of a hint. Turn it down. Not everyone enjoys tasting the sound of your Leo Sayer compliations. (Yes, I'm directing this at you in particular, Elasmoblast the Dreaded.)

That's all for now. Also, don't forget to put your name (or digital-nomenclature) into the Secret Santa pool -- the Tree-Related Holiday Interval Festival is going to be a blast this year! (We're still trying to forget last year's fracas, when Penumbra the Sun-Eater destroyed the Horsehead Nebula after imbibing too much eggnog.)