Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Report: Lindsay Lohan wants to go to Iraq

On the subject:

"I've been trying to go to Iraq with Hillary Clinton for so long. Hillary was trying to work it out, but it seemed too dangerous," Lohan said in an interview in the September issue of Elle magazine, to be released Wednesday.

The 20-year old actress and pop singer said she hoped to emulate Marilyn Monroe, who performed shows for about 100,000 troops stationed in Korea in 1954. "It's so amazing seeing that one woman just going somewhere, this beautiful sex kitten, who's basically a pinup, which is what I've always aspired to be," Lohan said, adding that she would prepare for her trip to Iraq by taking shooting lessons with her security guard.

* * * *

Setting: A shooting range outside of Malibu... BLAM-BLAM-BLAM, the loud reports of a .357 Magnum go, rattling the concrete-lined shooting gallery as Lindsay Lohan fires the pistol repeatedly before emptying the chamber of the spent bullet casings.

Lindsay Lohan: Awww... c'mon! I SO want to go to Iraq! It's, like, the Bagdhad of the Middle East. Everybody's talking about it! I SO wanna go. Let's get Seth Green and Mischa Barton in on this too.

Yaron Chaivetz (Lohan's Mossad-trained guard): They will not let you, Linz. And besides, you didn't even manage to hit the target, even once.

LL: This stupid gun is too small. I need a bigger one. [The sound of Eric Carmen's "All By Myself," her ring tone, comes muffled out from Lohan's purse.] OK, shut up, let me take this call... [Click open] Hello? Oh hi Mischa! I was just talking about you! ... Uh huh... Yeah.... I saw that. They totally camp out in front of my place. What?... You just think I should put a goddamn bathrobe on? Eff that, Meesh! Look, that's not important right now. We gotta... what?.... No, it's not called a "seven-ball." I'll explain later. Look, Meesh -- we haveta get into the Green Zone. It's the hottest... yeah.... exactly! Right! Wait, I gotta go. Ronnie is staring daggers at me everytime I wave this gat around.... Who? Yeah, Yaron. That guy I told you about. Look, can't talk, gotta go. [Click shut]

YC: Did you call that pistol a "gat?"

LL: So effin what, Ronnie? You need to lighten up -- why don't you call Jamie Kennedy for a blowjob.

YC: I'm not gay, Linz.

LL: Neither is J.K. Are you going to get me a bigger gun or do I have to call Dina?

YC: I do not like that you call your mother by her first name.

LL: Get over yourself, West Bank. I've been scoring million dollar grosses since you were selling diamonds in Manhattan. I bought Dina that Maybach you see her driving around in. I'll call her Little-effin-Jon, if I want to.

YC: "West Bank"? I do not think you know what that means. I'm Israeli, not Palestinian.

LL: Look who's so effin smart! I watched CNN for, like, 45 minutes yesterday. I crammed up on Pakistine so I'd know what I'm talking about. Now, where's my effin gun? I am about to have an ASTHMA ATTACK, big time, if I don't score some cop-killer bullets. AS. IN. NOW.

YC: [Aside] Just take her money and shut your brain off. You can do this.

LL: Are you back talking? Don't effin BACK-TALK me!

YC: No, no, I was just clearing my throat.

LL: I know for A FACT that Marilyn Monroe took shooting lessons with President John Kennedy before she visited the troops in Vietnam. That's ALL I'm asking for! Can you DO that for ME?

YC: Sigh... Of course, Linz. I think I have an Uzi in my trunk.

LL: That's more effin like it. And look happy while you're doing it, Mohammed.