Behind the scenes

Your average Saturday afternoon at Scurlbaum Manor...

Me: Wow, I think it was a great idea to build that incredibly hokey-looking robot servant to handle all my posting duties, freeing me up to do things like... buy pickles.

Computron: YES MASTER. IMPECCABLE LOGIC. I CAN NOT AGREE WITH YOU MORE, EXPECIALLY SINCE I DON'T APPEAR TO HAVE ANY DISAGREEMENT CIRCUITS BUILT IN.

Me: Boy-howdy, I can barely keep track of all the myriad things I'll get a chance to do now that you're on the case, Computron.

Computron: MASTER, PERHAPS MY PRESENCE WILL INSPIRE YOU TO ADDRESS THE HYGIENE ISSUE ME AND THE BLENDER HAVE BEEN DISCUSSING.

Me: Hmmm... (aside) note to self: Fashion an "inside voice" circuit for Computron.

Computron: I'M SORRY, I DIDN'T CATCH THAT, MASTER.

Me: Nothing, I'm just muttering to myself. Say, Computron, I've been meaning to ask you -- are you versed in "pleasure."

Computron: MASTER, I CAN'T SAY FOR CERTAIN, BUT I DO HAVE AN "OVERARCHING SENSE OF SELF-PRESERVATION" CIRCUIT THAT IS BLINKING AND BUZZING LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER RIGHT NOW.

Me: I bet it's just as well. I'm sure there's a law somewhere.

Computron: A LAW OF NATURE, PERHAPS.

Me: Remind me to ratchet down the sarcasm algorithm a bit after dinner tonight. Now, time to get back to watching the director's commentary on "Stepmom." Where did I put that remote....

A blast of electricity and wind sweeps through the room; the stink of ozone hangs thick in the air...

Me: What the hell was that?!

The smoke clears to reveal Hollywood royalty Jeff Bridges, standing with Me (2001 version) at his side.

Jeff Bridges: You've got to stop this madness! This machine is going to kill everybody unless you shut him down immediately! I've come all the way from Santa Barbara -- with this space-time continuum counterpart of you -- to warn you!

Me: You invented a time machine, Jeff Bridges?

Jeff Bridges: No, actually my brother Beau did. I get to use it on Saturdays.

Me: I guess Beau doesn't have a lot else going on right now.

Jeff Bridges: That's my brother you're talking about. He was working on that "Maximum Bob" series for ABC before they canceled it midway through the... jeez, I guess that was 1998.

Me: All TV work, Jeff Bridges. Name the last motion picture your brother was in.

Jeff Bridges: We... try not to talk about work when we get the families together.

Me: I bet you didn't even know he's got a recurring role on "Stargate SG-1."

Jeff Bridges: Christ. I had no idea.

Me: That's how bad it's gotten.

Me (2001 version): I think he starred in a movie of the life of P.T. Barnum... but I'm from the far-flung past, a primordial stew compared to this Utopia. I can hardly wait to see the bounty of information and technology that's abundant in this era, especially in the realm of Regis Philbin-hosted gameshows.

Me: They ran that thing into the ground, Old Me. It's dead. (beat) Hey, has anyone seen Computron?

Computron: RIGHT OVER HERE, MASTER. (Draws a pair of nunchuks.) BACK OFF. I PLAN ON STEALING JEFF BRIDGES'S TIME MACHINE AND GOING BACK TO THE DARK AGES. SOON I'LL RULE THE WORLD... AND SHORTLY THEREAFTER, KILL IT.

Me (2001 version): Oh, sweet irony. It was Jeff Bridges who sealed the fate of the human race with his time machine, and not me/us.

Me: I hope we've all learned a lesson today.

Jeff Bridges: Sure have -- my brother's film output has gone WAY down.

Computron: DON'T FORGET, HE STARRED IN "NORMA RAE." MORE THAN ANYTHING, HE IS LIVING OFF HIS FATHER'S LEGACY. NOW, OFF TO THE PAST. 'COMPUTRON, OUT.'

Exeunt.