Saturday, March 18, 2006

Hello, I'm your doctor

I can see you don't feel well, so maybe I'll just give you a quick examination. This periwinkle smock is neat, isn't it? Today I'm keeping a pot-roast sandwich in my left pocket. Anyway, let me just shove this tongue depressor right into that moist orifice. A mouth? Right, your mouth -- let me poke that. Okay, try to make that noise they make in movies when the guy goes to the doctor. I should be able to watch that little punching bag vibrate back and forth.

Okay, good, I think you passed that test. I'm going to turn on this light I have and point it in your ear and... where else do I need to light? Do you remember, in movies and hospital TV shows, where they shine this light? Guess I'll do the ears and the eyeballs. I had that done once. Alright... the ear is kind of greasy and wet. Your eye... it also looks greasy and wet, but in a different way.

I love this other thing, my stethoscope. It's a funny name, but I love the name of that other thing over there on the table -- a sphygmometer. That's the blood pressure cuff. I'm gonna skip the stethoscope and dart right in on some sphygmometer action. I like the feeling of the cuff when it expands, myself. It's like a little hug for your arm. I like hugs.

Well, I don't want to be too forward, but you look kind of old, so I'm going to recommend some kind of surgery. What're you, like, 44? I'm not too sure how much more she can take, captain! Wait, let me say that with a Scottish accent: "Oym naut shurh how much mahr she kahn take, captain!" Remember Scotty? Jimmy Doohan... good times. I met him at a Star Trek convention in 1993 in Baltimore.

You don't think you need surgery? Ho ho ho, I disagree! I insist! YOU didn't buy this periwinkle smock and learn the names of... both... of these instruments -- I did. I think I'm a little bit more qualified to throw out -- watch for my air quotes -- "medical advice."

What medical school did I graduate from? Well, I think that's a personal question, don't you? How would you like if I asked you how much you weigh? Because that's one of the questions here on this piece of paper that I see all the other doctors filling out. I'm trying to be a real gent. I'll have you know, in fact, I didn't graduate from any "medical school," I just happen to be waiting for my car to be finished at that Jiffy Lube across the way. I figured I'd come in here and be a nice guy, but NOOOO! "I don't want invasive surgery! I want an actual doctor! Blah blah blee!"

You know, people are almost discouraged from being samaritans in this day and age. I thought you'd be different, lady.

What? Okay, "guy."