A few moments with Liev Schreiber

Hi, I'm acclaimed stage and screen actor and powerhouse-of-smolder Liev Schreiber. You may know me from such films as... well, I can't recall any off the top of my head, but I have it on good authority that my tall stature and deep, rich tones are a guarantee of smolderation. I'd like to talk to you today about -- wait, I was in "Daytrippers" with Parker Posey. I remember now. I saw that one again on the Sundance Channel back in February. Anyhoo...

I'd like to talk to you all about keeping your tires inflated. You know, I do a thousand fucking Discovery Channel voiceovers a year and I can't recall a single one. I think there were bore-worms, or at least naked mole rats in one of them. But seriously, like, a thousand. I lose count. Of course, Morgan Fucking Freeman does one penguin movie, and he and his damned cravat are shown backstage on the Oscars. How close do I get to the Oscar stage? I think I dropped a tiny blob of Temptee cream cheese on my girlfriend Naomi Watts's cleavage an hour before the ceremony -- that's how close.

It's crucial that in these days of volatile oil prices we all pay attention to how inflated our tires are. If you're just a few pounds-per-square inch below the tire's duty-rating, it can decrease fuel economy by five to ten percent. That's a substantial loss of money when taken in total. I was barely a walk-on in "Scream," and that fucker seemed to give everyone else a career boost for, like, five years. Why else would we tolerate Neve Campbell as long as we have? I, on the other hand, was reduced to a cameo -- as a suspected murderer. As for my career boost, I was more honored than anything else just to be holding Affleck's coat in "Sum of All Fears" rather than anchoring the damn franchise myself. Which I could have done in my sleep.

So the next time you fill up your tank, make sure you fill your tires, too. Do it for your pocketbook -- and do it for America.