A tonsorial ill

How am I supposed to get the close shave? The close shave I crave badly, with the agitated fury of three-thousand dying suns with chronic seborrhea. Why haven't these duck-fuckers come up with some kind of shaving cream that's worth a goddamn? I mean, what the fuck - Gillette? *HONK* (wrong-guess-on-the-Family-Feud noise) Colgate? Fuck you and your Colgate! The Colgate people are jackasses, and their moms are all whores. Edge Gel? Why don't not just stick galvanized roofing nails into the business-end of my urethra? (Come to think of it, I think the entire urethra is ALL business-end. Wait - let me check Wikipedia.... short answer, "yep.")

The answer is in this dense little bottle from Kiehl's. As a paste, it looks trustworthy enough, and doesn't feel like fucking Kool-Whip toothpaste in my hand upon dispensing. I think we have a winner, and the rage can finally abate.

This tract in no way endorses a product or service, unless it involves intercourse with waterfowl.