CBS Evening News Presents...

"Hello everyone, I'm Katie Couric, the new anchor of the storied CBS Evening News desk. I want to thank CBS for taking a chance on me and letting me succeed the estimable Dan Rather.

"I'm sure there are a few detractors out there who aren't sold on me assuming the anchor duties to one of the three pillars of TV news journalism, especially seeing as to how my predecessor covered Vietnam, Iraq, the Cold War, the 1968 Democratic Convention... an impressive career, to say the least. Well, to those people, I say that they have only seen a part of the Katie Couric repertoire, the kind best displayed in... the... morning.

"My resume contains many hard news credentials that make me a great fit for this job -- Glee Club president at the University of Virginia, head cheerleader at UVA, head shopkeeper at the UVA school store, and class treasurer for the year of 1979. And if you weren't watching my NBC news work for the last fifteen years, then you might have missed my hard-news scoops: Strappy-heel bargains at Barney's; Fred Leighton-supplied jewelry on Golden Globes presenters; Broiled tilapia filets in a cornmeal crust -- cornmeal, people -- with Mario Batali; Dave Matthews album releases in the courtyard at 30-Rock; the list goes on.

"So, with that said, I think that CBS can rest easy about their choice -- and America can rest easy too. So, without further delay, this evening's newscast will feature the latest out of Baghdad, Tehran, Pyongyang, Washington, and New York. We have a story about abortion protesters in South Dakota coming up -- but first, this heartwarming story about a dog that can play tennis with the racquet in his mouth. This is really something you should see."