Super Sweet 16

I'm having a Sweet 16, y'all! I want you all to come and party with me! (Except you. You're fat and stupid.) My mommy and daddy are going to pay for EVERYTHING, and they know that this day has to be ALL ABOUT ME. Not that it'll really be much different from every day that precedes it, or any of the ones that will succeed it. Regardless, I have a HUGE list of demands that I need met, 'cause I want this bitch to be off the hook. I want it to be bigger than the VMAs, crossed with the assassination of Thomas a Becket, times Brad-and-Angelina's wedding, plus the Oscars, added to the Armenian genocide by the Turks, multiplied by the SUPER BOWL! And that's how big this is going to be! Off the HIZZIE!

The first thing I need is White House to be painted PINK, my FAVORITE color... because that's where this is going to be. Then, I want Ryan Cabrera and Condoleeza Rice to duet on Nelly's "Grillz" with backng vocals by John F. Kennedy. I also want a pony. But it has to be spray-painted PINK. And JFK has to be able to pop-and-lock and breakdance... on the Constitution, spread out on the floor like a cardboard box. Daddy will do it for me because he LOVES ME! LOL!

I need to have catering by Thomas Keller of Per Se, because I love the little quenelles he makes. But I want all the food gilt with gold leaf. AWESOME!!! And I want a helicopter flying overhead the whole time, dropping Blackberries and Patek Phillippe watches onto the crowd.

Then, I want daddy to get scientists to invent a chimaera, the fabled fusion of animal and plant tissue together in one hoary organism -- profaning the very meaning of life itself. This abomination of reality would unlock a searing hellscape of crimson, sulfuric fires that will scour the face of mankind from the planet, leaving only a molten stew of peptides and animo acids, the damned leavings of a uncreated race of upright savages who pushed the boundary between life and un-life past the point of no return. The hideous slurry would vaporize off the barren surface of this cursed world and travel, molecule by molcule, through the vaccuum of space until each particle collapses inward upon itself at the rim of the grand event horizon that will end this farsical charade we know as reality.