My ex-wives, they all hate me

Bethany divorced me in 1985... she took the baseball card collection worth a quarter of a million dollars. Rena left me in 1987. That one was messy -- she got the dog and the place in Saratoga. Nathalie sued me for divorce in 1981. That was protracted. She's never forgiven me for that fight.

Kathleen and I split in 1992. She took my collection of Montblancs. She got FAR more than she was entitled to. I just didn't want to fight her anymore. Mira took the the boat away from me in 1989. She played hardball, but at least I got to keep the golf clubs. Some things are worth bickering over.

Sofia walked away with a third of my net worth in 1979. Marguerite, I caught with Baxter... Baxter, in my own goddamn bed. Lindsay's lawyer got her the big IRA account. She'll never have to work again. Bhanupriya walked away with nothing except for the towels she came into the marriage with. I always appreciated that. Ludmilla, she served me with papers in 1995, right in the middle of dinner at 21. Fucking embarrassing.

Rivka wasn't technically a divorce, since we were just cohabitating. Plenty of palimony -- now I know what Lee Marvin must have felt like. Rosalinha waited two months after vanishing in 1999 before sending any word to me about what she was up to -- and that word happened to be "annulment." Lin-Mei caught me in flagrante delicto with Sammie... who herself sued me for divorce in 1976.

Bekkie in 1978, Susan in 1971, Leah in 1993, Sarita in 2001, Maryelise in 1983, Doris in 1998... they all despise me. I'm not a bad guy.